I’m so sorry I haven’t updated in a while but I’ve been going to Uni and I’ve barely had time. So here’s everything that I’ve been doing till now:
- Fucking hell. I knew Uni was going to be hard but damn it, I didn’t think it’d be this hard. I’ve barely had any time for myself lately. So, to solve that I took 1 week off of the Radio Station duty because there’s no way I can take a week off from Uni itself, I’ll fail.
- I’ve had mental breakdowns and wanted to quit doing whatever it is I was doing because I didn’t see the point. I also didn’t see the point of quitting. I’m not a quitter. I have to stick to something and prove I’m capable of handling myself. I don’t want to be a bad daughter and disappoint my parents and family. I talked to a few of my friends and wrote it in my diary (Writing helps!) and tried to sort out what was bothering me. Turns out I was just overworked and tired. Being a student is hard. This was also around the time my depression got bad so writing out my feelings helped me understand what I had to do. I broke a big problem into smaller problems and tried solving them each, bit by bit. Shit, did I just say depressed? I meant tired and lazy. My bad! We don’t say that word!
- My social anxiety was (is) also getting worse. As in, I got scared to talk to new people and old friends alike because I was scared of what they’ll say and think. I was just overwhelmed in general. I got quieter and silent instead of the beaming ray of sunshine I can occasionally be. I never said I was perfect, did I? I’ve embraced my imperfections. To solve this, I took a break from people. Maybe it isn’t the right solution. But at that time, I couldn’t think of anything else.
- I also learnt that I’m a workaholic. One that escapes emotions and feelings. I was continuously working to stop thinking because I knew (know) that if I stopped to think, I wasn’t going to make it very far without having a panic attack.
- I also couldn’t sleep very well. This has been an issue for a while and I don’t know what causes it. In the dream, I’ve basically tried to save myself in all the ways I know and it wasn’t enough, the creature killed me anyway. I could never see the creature’s face so I don’t know what it is. But whatever it was, it had to be something super scary because not a lot of things scare me. I’ve had one of the wildest rollercoaster rides and I’m fine. But it stopped after a while. But a few days later, I was getting attacked by sharks and any aquatic animal that has sharp teeth in a pool. That was weird. Who has sharks in a pool? Also, the statistics of a shark attack happening is super rare. I tried getting out of the ‘pool’ (I even asked for help) but I ended up drowning anyway. Whatever. It’s better now. Also, according to Oscar Wilde, ‘They’ve promised that dreams can come true – but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams, too’. But don’t worry, I’ll be fine! I have a 100% survival rate.
- Week 6!!! I watched 13 reasons why this week. Oh! I wish I hadn’t. Hannah’s story is what most people go through in high school. But a depressed teenager/person needs human contact and when they’re denied human contact, suffice it to say, things can and most definitely will go wrong. This show with it’s 13 episode season changed my perspective of life and how even when the most unintentional person can hurt someone. The show is not meant to be pretty. It is meant to be ugly, suffocating and raw because that’s what depression is (Should I just call it sadness now?). It’s all – consuming and terrifying without anyone around.
- Trigger warning: There’s some violent and brutal content on this show. Shit I couldn’t handle. So, if you’re going to watch it, please be careful!! And if you’re suffering from depression or anxiety, I’d suggest you to not watch it. But if you’re going to watch it anyway, please view it with discretion. Don’t be afraid to ask for help!
- 13 Reasons Why Trailer (if any of you wanted to watch it).
- Also, Clay’s tape!!! ❤ 😥
- Week 7 – I’ve been grateful to have taken the week off and have time to focus on my assignments. I actually got work done and I’m happy about that. Let’s see how the rest of the semester goes! Fingers crossed that everything will be okay and I pass all my units!! *literally crosses fingers*. Also, don’t worry about me, I can take care of myself! 🙂
P.S: If any of my content has caused you any emotional distress, please talk to somebody (professional or not, up to you!) and get it off your chest. Talking to somebody who’s not judging you can take a great load off your chest. Literally.